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Class War issue 81: If They Had Brains They Would Be Dangerous
Hello and welcome to our regular column that investigates the brainless bumbling of the thick blue line. Thanks to everyone who sent in news and cuttings - more please!
We start with West Yorkshire police who had hoped to hold a meeting on competency at Keighley Police Station. Sadly incompetence was the order of the day and Keighley's finest were unable to meet following a mix up over the dates. Class War understands that a future class, where officers will be shown diagrams helping them to locate the human elbow and the human arse, is being specially organised.
Next up come the British Transport Police, who certainly believe that school's out for summer! An embarrasing wobbly has been thrown by Phillip Barnard, Headmaster of Pimlico School, who noticed increased truancy rates at his school in the afternoon's. Mr Barnard's pupils were eventually found spending their afternoons on identity parades organised by the BTP at Victoria Station. It certainly beats double maths!
As everybody knows there are no stupid dogs, only stupid owners. Proof of this comes from Cleveland Police, who have had to pay £16,500 compensation after their Alsation, Bosco, savaged a Middlesborough man. With 9 similar cases pending against the dog, or more acccurately his employers, it seems Bosco is firmly in the dog house.
We can report however that unlike his human colleagues Bosco does occasionally get it right - amongst the 54 people he has bitten in the line of "duty" are his handler, a sergeant and 2 Police Constables.
Essex - A big hand must go out to pro cannabis campaigner Glynn Lowndes, whose 150 plants were stored at Billericay police station. The green fingered Mr Lowndes clearly knows his stuff as mellow fumes quickly spread throughout the station, forcing its closure for two days! Let's hope the usually closed minds of Essex filth have been broadened by the experience.
Everybody knows a would be high flier who eventually lands with a jolt, and there was many a tear at Class War HQ at the death of Detective Inspector Jean Macer-Wright of the Metropolitan Police. Described as one of the force's "brightest rising stars" her star somewhat plummeted whilst mountaineering in the Scottish Highlands. In fact it plummeted 150 metres off the side of a cliff. Still following the Stephen Lawrence inquiry her colleagues at Greenwich police station should be used to cleaning up a mess.
One story we missed last year was the Durham officer who opened fire whilst guarding Tony Blair's constituency residence. Guarding Phony Tony must be a boring job, and anybody could make the mistake of opening fire on a shadowy figure in the bushes. Unfortunately this shadowy figure turned out not be an international terrorist but...a pigeon. The officer concerned has presumeably been banned from watching Wacky Racers.
Winner of our brainless bobby award this issue has to be ex-PC David Schotness, formerly of Sussex Police. Dopey David likes nothing better than flagging down passing cop cars and asking them for lifts, whilst boring their passengers with tales of his days on the force. Whilst Sussex and City of London police officers were only to willing to put up with this nonsense, the Met were not. David's cry of "taxi" ended up with a spell in the cells and confiscation of his warrant card. He has replied by launching a claim against the Met for wrongful arrest, unlawful detention, assault and battery and abuse of police powers. Perhaps Mr Shotness should get a bus pass like everybody else!
Back to issue 81 contents
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